Over the last several months my journey to physical fitness has taken several stumbles and then it hit a major roadblock. This has forced me to honestly re-examine both my motivations and my priorities.
When I started this journey, I was strongly motivated by my Dad's death at the young age of 67 due to a heart condition. At the beginning of this journey, I realized that my boys would be in their young twenties having to deal with the loss of their mom. This was my strongest motivation as I didn't want them to experience at such a young age what I experienced at forty. Somewhere along the way, about after I lost the first 75 lbs, my motivation changed to one based upon getting positive (amazed from some people) reactions. This purely selfish motivation caused the first series of stumbles on my journey. You cannot change your life so dramatically for such a selfish motivation. No matter how good it feels to receive such praise.
Then I received negative comments from people whom I love. I know those comments were based upon my loved one's own feelings of inadequacy and on their perceived concerns about the changes that were taking place. When someone you love suddenly makes a dramatic change in their priorities from a "bump on the log" lifestyle to an "active physical fitness" lifestyle... some people can get concerned and actually undermine the journey that their loved one is on. And I want to be very clear...I am NOT talking about my husband, Bill. He has been extremely and wonderfully supportive of this journey. But the negative comments were a second stumbling block on my journey.
The last stumbling block was my own feelings of self worth (or lack of worth which is what originally helped lead me to 300 lbs of weight). I began to feel guilty about spending the money on my Zumba classes, medicines and vitamins when I was scrimping and saving with coupons and strategic shopping to purchase food for the family. And combine that guilt with the guilt from spending three hours a week on myself when I was at my Zumba class. My self worth caused me to doubt whether this journey was the right path for me and my family. What a load of "mushy" self depreciating talk that was.
All of these stumbling blocks lead to a four week period of over eating (not liking myself a lot during that time) and not taking any of my medicines or vitamins. I did not even drink the minimum amount of water daily... some days, I only drank coffee and diet dr.pepper. The only thing I did do was continue taking my Zumba classes... but that was only three days a week. I did not do anything on the other four days of the week so the exercise was not enough to overcome my bad behavior. This became a major road block that resulted in me gaining weight on my last weigh in.
With all of these stumbles and the road block, suddenly I was faced with a choice. Overcome or Stall. Knowing that if I stall the 300 lbs were on their way back to the scale. And I would be jeopardizing my son's future happiness by putting my health at risk. I have decided that I have to re-focus on both my priorities and my motivations.
My health and happiness is a priority in my life. Improving my health is not a selfish goal... it is one of the major goals that all Mother's should have. The only way to truly take care of my family is to do all that I can to make sure that I am here to take care of them. This means that taking care of myself is a priority. And eating right, drinking water, and working out makes me happy. I do an hour Zumba workout and I am feeling good & smiling during the whole hour. It is exhausting but I always feel a slight sense of disappointment when it is over with. I enjoy it. And doing something that I enjoy that has a positive health benefit is a worthwhile priority.
My family is my motivation. Ensuring that I am here to see my son's grow and mature as Men of God is one of the strongest motivation that I can think of. Being here to enjoy the golden years with Bill is the another one of the strongest motivation that I can think of. But the biggest motivation I can think of is that the Lord has made me a steward of this body and I cannot obey the Lord if I don't take care of this gift of health and life that He has given me. I am not saying that other's who are obese are not following the Lord. What I am saying is that the Lord has placed a conviction on my heart that I need to do this and that I am worth all of the time, energy, and money that it takes to make this life change.
So I am now re-focused and re-committed. The last two days, I have followed my diet to the letter, taken my medicines and vitamins, drank my water, and exercised. I cannot wait until my next weigh in to see the result of my re-commitment and re-focus. My next weigh in is Monday July 18th... I can't wait to post the results. I hope you will commit to praying for me on this journey. Please let me know if you need any support or encouragement and prayers on your fitness journey if you are on one.