We tried for many years before we admitted to ourselves that we had a problem and that something was wrong. Admittance of the issue was our first hurdle we had to overcome to become parents. Then we tried several rounds of the basic fertility drugs with my personal obgyn. After almost a year, we were referred to an obgyn that specialized in handling women who were overweight and had fertility issues. The assumption was that a combination of my weight (at that time, I was about 80 lbs over weight) combined with my job stresses were what was causing the issue. After about a year with this “specialized” obgyn, we had to admit that there was something more involved than just weight and stress (not that the two weren’t a factor… it was just obvious that the drugs were doing nothing but adding more weight and more stress… by that time I had ballooned to over 100 lbs overweight.)
Yet still... I kept control of this issue and was too stubborn or proud or just plain scared to turn it over to the Lord. I think I was scared that the answer was going to be "no"to having children biologically and a part of me felt like a failure and thus less of a woman. Each of us who go through infertility issues have to recognize what "fear" the issue sparks in us and for each individual the "fear" will be different. "Not having children" was NOT my fear... I had faith that the Lord wanted Bill and I to be parents. My fear was "failure" at something that I had attempted. This fear lead me to not turn the most important thing (to me at that time) over to the one whom I trusted to handle all other areas of my life... the Lord. Instead, I leaned upon doctors and science instead of the one who truly knew my future.
This was only the beginning of my fertility journey... the rest is coming next week.
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